Labour plan to infect nation with herpes continues apace

Speaking today, Home Secretary Jacqui Smith said "Some people are saying that infecting the entire country with herpes is wrong, that the Government has no right to do it and it costs too much. But these people are nothing more than apologists for terrorists, rapists and paedophiles. Is a paedophile really going to abuse some lovely little kiddie when it feels like his genitals are on fire? Will terrorists be able to carefully plan an attack with aching, fever and painful urination? No. Under this Labour plan, crime will be eliminated at a stroke or, at least, an unpleasant discharge."

Jacqui Smith told cheering reporters how her home is constantly besieged by hundreds of desperate people banging on her doors and windows, begging to be infected with herpes. Sadly, only workers at a couple of airports will be infected this year, but there's good news. The rest of us will soon be able to register for herpes and so be among the first to be infected.

Jacqui was at pains to make clear that only criminals had anything to fear from sexually transmitted diseases. For the vast majority of clean-living, hard-working, abstemious people, the benefits of herpes would outweigh any downside with the annoying symptoms being a small price to pay to live in a country free from crime.

Rumour has it that, once infected by this special strain of Labour Herpes, the only cure is to touch a holy reliquary said to contain the shaved moustache of St. Peter of Mandelson.